When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
