she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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