forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
