i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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