so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
