Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
