He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
