The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
