stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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