I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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