i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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