Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
