she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
