Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
