Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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