Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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