non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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