I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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