and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
