dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
