Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
