remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
