i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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