thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Terrible idea I love it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
