seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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