You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
