I am midnight drunk by noon
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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