All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
