I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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