1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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