You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize