every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
