and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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