I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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