I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I didn't shave. On purpose
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
