pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
