you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
