i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
