just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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