I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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