I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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