Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
