i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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