then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
