tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
