So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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