my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
