Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
