Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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