and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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