My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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