You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
