why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
